WARNING: IF YOU HATE DEPRESSING STUFF THEN DON’T READ THE FIRST PART AND SKIP TO THE HALF PAGE MARK (YOU KNOW, ###). IF YOU WERE TO READ IT, DO NOT REGRET READING IT BECAUSE I NEED EARS TO LISTEN TO MY SCREAMS. THANKS!
Part of my philosophy. Yep, it’s about friendship. Friendship had been floating around in my head since I was a kid. What is friendship? Is it when a group of girls or boys come together and play? Is it someone you trust so much that you even give away your deepest secret? Is it someone who has your back and will support you until the end? These are the examples which I have seen in movies, books and the real life. But is it true? What they say about friendship.. is it all sunshine and rainbows?
My dad used to say that no one is not to be fully trusted. He told me that no matter how kind a person is and how close they are to you, there will come a day when they will betray you, and that the only person who you can actually fully trust is your family. At first, friends are strangers, people who had never seen nor heard of each other before. They don’t know what their life is like before they meet each other and they don’t know who they really are. There are possibilities that they might hide something under their usual smile. I was raised up with this kind of thought engraved in my head, and my dad would often remind me of this.
You can never truly trust someone.
At first, I tried to deny that. I kept on telling myself that my friends are like my family and there’s no way they’re going to let me down. In the early days, this seemed to prove true but as I got older, my dreams were shattered. Whenever we do a group project, my classmates would seem to have an excuse or two for not getting their work done. When I trust them to do something right, it seemed like they didn’t even try. When I try to aid them in their not-so-smart plans, I would be the scapegoat. In the end, the group project became a one-man show. This didn’t happen once but a couple of times. And so I stopped trusting people, because they don’t deserve my trust. If you were to meet the me from back then, you would see a different person. Now, I am a two-faced introvert, a lone wolf in the midst of a herd of sheep. I would always imagine the worst things when working with someone, and often do all of the work myself instead of discussing it because I fear their reasons. It’s true that I kept my past face in front of people – but I would always feel like burning the whole world every time I smile.
Sometimes my mask would fall of just a bit and people would get a hint of my true intentions; this will show as tears or small nasty jabs, but they don’t even know the half of it. Luckily, I know some people who know when to pull back before I slit their throat – I am truly grateful for that. If killing wasn’t illegal then I would’ve committed a massacre.
…Sorry, guys. I’ve been wanting to vent it all out since a few weeks ago. Apparently, being angry isn’t allowed in my house except if you’re the parents or little kids, so I’ve been feeling like Armageddon (get it? Because the thing in my story… never mind). If this post upsets any of you, then I’m sorry – but don’t say I didn’t warm you!
Honestly, ever since starting this blog, I can just say whatever I want without anyone commenting on how weird or lame my views are. I really am grateful for those who read my posts because it means that you’re listening the true words that had never escaped my mouth no matter how bad I want them out. I’ve never been a good speaker ever since a certain incident and I’ve lost most of my confidence when I started Year 5; I didn’t use to be like this, you know. I’m not into the cheesy you-need-a-hug scenes – I feel awkward when hugging, even when I do it with my family (the closest form of contact for me is hand-holding) – so I tend to keep things to myself so I won’t need the pity. Obviously, it wasn’t a good idea.
So to say sorry… POTATO!
Aside from that, I’m currently in the middle of writing “I’m Not Okay”. Hope you’ll enjoy it when it comes out!